santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   All I want for Christmas is for Santa to give me a copy of his naughty list. ;0)

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   3-pack condoms are ideal for married couples: Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   St. Patrick -- one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   With the weather being the way it is, the only way you could have a white Christmas is if Santa brought you cocaine.

   FYI: The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   Christmas and booze they both have a lot to do with SPIRIT!