Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Its funny how Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.

   wondering why books on "How to make women happy" aren't displayed in the 'FICTION' section

   thinking that if ýou make someones day by posting a silly status and never denying that its someone elses ides, whats the harm?

   Maybe everyone does NOT need to see 146 photos of your newborn fresh out of the placenta.

   The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   I'm beginning to think the wireless mouse was invented just so there was one less thing to hang yourself with at work.

   I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…