Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.