Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   a little less conversation, a little more action please!!

   trying to give me the finger is like giving a spider the web. I'm just gonna spin it and use it to my advantage =)

   Men: You can't live with them, but you can't have heterosexual sex without them. DAMN!!

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.

   Thinks that if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

   The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger or a baby

   A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

   Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.

   People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.

   always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.