Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.

   Whenever you're feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up. ♥

   It takes 22 muscles to smile and 37 muscles to frown. That means I'm working out harder than you, Mr. F*cking Happy.

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.