Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$.

   The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.

   Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren't me.

   When nudists put on a play, do they argue about who has the biggest part?

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

   Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

   I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   "Duct tape" - finding a cure to noise pollution, one mouth at a time.

   What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?