Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   If twitter went away, would anyone care?

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate

   it's a status....not your diary...

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   According to legend, the only way to appease the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.