Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.

   Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

   Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends

   kiss me I'm Irish, and slip me some tongue cause I think there's a lil french in there too

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   Most people like to say living the dream, I perfer to say surviving the nightmare.

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.