Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   STOP whatever your doing, DROP the weed in the paper, ROLL a fatty

   Quote of the night. "Sex dolls are not meant for speed."

   It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house

   what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I feel like I need to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I want to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   Feeling like a slurpee? Go 4-7-11

   I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out....

   Thank heaven 4-7-11

   Stupid people exist just to make you feel better about yourself.

   Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

   Uncle Luke is running for Mayor of Miami... (no punch line..its funny enough!)

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   it too late convert Charlie Sheen into a Redsox's fan so they can start winning?

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   watches the Dancing with the Stars each week, hoping "Johnny Lawrence" jumps on stage and sweeps Ralph Macchio's leg.