Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!

   Gotta love the siri iphone 4. My friend farted in the car and siri new we had pizza..!!

   I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.

   I was a real stud in bed last night. We started having sex at 1:57 am and finished at 3:05 am.

   (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)> }¡{ Dammiit Dude quit chasing that butterfly & get back over here

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   I hope daylight savings time hasn't thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing

   Help! I'm an heiress trapped in the life of a peasant.

   Does anyone know where I can get a new lease on life? The one I have isn't working out.

   if you havin kony problems I feel bad for you son, he snatched 99 children and your post saved none.

   Coffee, you're on the bench. Alcohol, suit up.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   No Gramma, It's not the Oompah Loompah show, it's Jersey Shore.

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it