Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beggo! Why don't you just c0py and paste next time!!!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   I'm getting a pet dog & cat and I'm gonna name my cat 'Waterfalls'. This way everytime my dog is chasing my cat, I can say "Don't go chasing waterfalls!""

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   I like you. You're the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day

   The next relationship I get into, I will be buying a bottle of shampoo that some day...for they will both be in a secret competition to see which will last longer...

   Duct tape: Turning NO!, NO!, NO! into mmm, mmm, mmm.

   I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.

   I saw something that reminded me of you...but don't worry, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands.

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"