santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   Good Lord...Pink For Cancer, Red For Cards, Orange for Halloween, and Now Blue for Bullying! October has More damn color in it than a strand of Christmas Lights!

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   I'm sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can't I do the same for Easter!!!??

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   I think I'm going to take my christmas tree down today.

   Anyone who thinks that overweight people are slow moving, may I remind you of how fast Santa Claus knocked out those gift deliveries a little over a month ago?

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!

   If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable