Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It feels like we haven't seen each other in years Why don't you join me for a couple of beers clink cheers

   Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom to realize how low they can actually go.

   you can't blame men for the forest depletion. As long as we are wearing clothes, we don't need napkins, think of the trees we have saved by getting greasy hands clean on our pants....

   and I talk to myself on my Facebook wall... I'M AWESOME....I'M AWESOME

   yes I lost my virginity but at least I still have the box it came in!

   A New York animal shelter is seeking donations of Viagra to treat a pit bull. I'm thinking that this is going to be one of the most frightning animals on the planet.

   believes that if politicians don't have to pay their taxes, we shouldn't either

   behind every strong girl is an a$$hole who made her that way

   I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway

   It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...

   wants to find the just released Winnie the Pooh cookbook. Doesn't matter that he doesn't cook, he just wants to own a book called "Cooking with Pooh".

   my cross-eyed teacher has a hard time keeping his pupils straight.

   Dear Mr. Ice Cream man: Please change your song.. That sh!t was played out in the 80's

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold...

   cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse

   Its funny how the Simpsons have been around for 21 years and they haven't aged a bit.

   falling off this rollercoaster of boredom and falling into the deep dardk depths of insanity. . .

   NBA Wives is a better name than "The Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of ex-Miami Heat players that weren't really that good except for maybe Shaq...

   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life!!!!