Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account.

   A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction...

   FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.

   My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

   What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.

   Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.