Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.

   those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.

   the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   Sochi Olympic officials announce construction is complete and the facilities are now ready......

   To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.

   If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

   : Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   why do they say that you can't buy friends?! I haven't had a problem with that! It's keeping them after I am broke ...that is the problem!!

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   Does Facebook have a "You're not smart enough to be talking about politics" button?

   I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.