Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   too bad the minn didnt win...i wanted to see favre get a ring this year....but ok well...you brett...go ahead and retire now for and come back b4 the start of next year...

   Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."

   going to win the lotterey tonight...no sorry, got that wrong! Going to have sex with my wife. I get them confused as the odds are pretty much the same

   Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   I argue with myself sometime because I know for a fact that I'll win

   I would much rather regret something I did, then something I was too afraid to do...

   With all these people "checking in" at every place they go to, I'm thinking Facebook is a probation officer as well as a social networking site.

   Really don't understand why everytime I open my t.v. dinner there has to be corn frozen in my brownie :/

   Superbowl: the only time in a year that you tell people to be quiet because a commercial is on.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   If Facebook goes out of business, we should all exchange phone numbers and mailing addresses.

   when work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   If you watch 127 hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   I had to sell my halo to Cash4Gold, So I blame the economy for my attitude....