Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

   Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   Don't you hate that moment when you think to yourself, why did I just say that?

   This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   Listen lady, if you don't want my balls on your rack then go bowl somewhere else!

   There are some people in this world... When they ask you for advice because they did something wrong... You just wanna say " If I were you... I would just go ahead and punch myself in the face for being that stupid to begin with..."

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.

   If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   Remember when MTV used to play music?

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..