Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

   That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.