Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me. 
Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!
It might be fat Tuesday today, but I'm fat everyday. So what's the big deal.
Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.
Idea: October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.. instead of posting your color bra, why not take a pic of your boobs, post them and say "Save These!" . .why beat around the bush? (or bare floor)
Starbucks isn't really that expensive when you you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup...
On the 14th of December I'm going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up.
I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.
I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...
I have a bad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift not having a boyfriend on Valentines Day.
The information age, does anyone else find it just a little bit ironic that it has produced so many uninformed people.
I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."
Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.
Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.
Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge. 