Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   patiently waiting for the "No-Bra" Ice bucket challenge

   I was going to make one of those Bitstrips cartoons, but then I decided to pick the lint out of my belly button instead. I'm pretty sure I came out ahead ツ

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.

   I saw my ex the other day and I'll be straight up honest with ya, YEAH I'd still hit it... with my car.. with my baseball bat.. with my fore arm repeatedly...

   Move over weight watchers, there is a new diet in town it's called I can feed my family cause I just filled my gas tank

   I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.

   available for rebound sex.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   Wanting the President to fail is like wanting the pilot to crash the plane we all just got on.

   Your mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to measure how long she slept.

   So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?

   Joke of the day: Two old women were sitting in church. One leans over to her friend and said, "My butt is asleep." Her friend replied, "I know, I've heard it snore three times already."

   If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!

   You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...

   My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer,

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   “... of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” Matthew 24:36..If God has not even revealed to his own son the date the world will end, I doubt he has revealed it to Harold Camping.

   Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party..... when you here an arab counting down from ten your instincs kick in.