Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.

   So a film sparked this whole thing.....Have these ppl seen Roots and Shinderlist's List?.....

   I know a lot of midget jokes, I'm afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   Adele is pregnant. Can't wait for her next album where she writes 17 angry tracks about diaper changing and crying babies

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...