Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   Adele is pregnant. Can't wait for her next album where she writes 17 angry tracks about diaper changing and crying babies

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...

   Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   Why do British people never sound British when they sing?