Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   It's so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.

   Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it's never found again..

   Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

   The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.

   Waiting for Kanye to jump into the ICU and tell Lil Wayne that his death is tragic.... But Tupac had the best rap death of all time.

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   If you've ever said "Haters gonna hate", you can go ahead and add me to that list.

   THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.