Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.

   Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   Mission Impossible 5: Marriage

   A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana... She's now dead to me.