Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you

   looks like Bin Laden's episode of Cribs didn't go that well

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

   I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.

   would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole.

   According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.