Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

   Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.

   My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven't tried yet.

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.