Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   why do they say that you can't buy friends?! I haven't had a problem with that! It's keeping them after I am broke ...that is the problem!!

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   : Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   Does Facebook have a "You're not smart enough to be talking about politics" button?

   I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

   Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I'm assuming it's Monday.

   Don't send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.

   If my "check engine" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it.

   I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

   When I'm at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What's your most frequently photographed entree?”

   Friends don't let friends make 'Harlem Shake' videos...

   Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.

   US Marine SGT Michael Cable died in Afganistan today, but yet all I see on the TV is people mourning a drunk hillbilly....

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?