Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   Have you thought about being a bit selective when uploading photos. We don't need to see the WHOLE PHOTO SESSION.

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.