Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Have you thought about being a bit selective when uploading photos. We don't need to see the WHOLE PHOTO SESSION.

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you

   Dear infommercials.. Clearly its not a $100 value if you're selling it for 10 bucks

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.