Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   With all these laws cracking down on texting while driving, I think it's a little bit ironic that every police car I see has a open laptop attached to the dashboard. You telling me that's not a distraction? 

   Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

   I'm pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

   Dear girls who take pictures in the bathroom, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you..sincerely.. Dont forget to tag me

   Celebrities of old had talent and class! Why then are the likes of the Kardashians and Hiltons considered celebrities when they have neither?

   Quick question.... Who gets all of Gadhafi's cool sunglasses when they catch him?

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.

   A$$ ICONS: (_!_) - Regular A$$ ; (__!__) - Fat A$$ ; ( ! ) - Tight A$$ ; (_*_) - Sore A$$ ; (_o_) - Well used A$$ ; (_e=mc²_) - Smart A$$ !!!!! :D

   Dear God, This year, please send clothes for all those poor women on Uncle Bob's computer. Amen

   In about 40-50 years from now, there sure is going to be a lot of old women walking around with tattooes.

   my phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket

   If your drug dealer is always on time, he's a cop