Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it's broken. Not sure who won the fight

   I'd like to give you a nice going away present. But first, you have to do your part.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!

   When it comes to practicing the theory of "There are plenty fish in the sea", I tend to practice catch and release.

   Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.

   ˜Sort of" shouldn't be used in certain phrases. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

   says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!

   The best part of being me is that I'm not you...

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better

   I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.