Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   i was moving with the flow of speeding traffic and got pulled over,i asked the cop "why me,everyone was speeding" cop asked "have you ever been fishing?" I said "sure". cop replies "ever catch them all".... well played Law Dog,well played

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   Dear cupcakes, the fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says alot about your self esteem. sincerely, muffins

   That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...

   Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.

   I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!

   Harry Potter can do all this $hit with magic, but he can't fix his poor vision?

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   commented on a woman's french manicure. "I like your tips" ...let's just say she didn't hear me correctly.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   Don't you hate that moment when you think to yourself, why did I just say that?

   This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   Listen lady, if you don't want my balls on your rack then go bowl somewhere else!

   There are some people in this world... When they ask you for advice because they did something wrong... You just wanna say " If I were you... I would just go ahead and punch myself in the face for being that stupid to begin with..."