Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Did Kanye really just tell a dude who can play like 14 instruments that he should give his Grammy to a woman who needs 4 writers for one song?

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.

   If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!

   According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.

   the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.