Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!

   Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...

   You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   The secret to a great relationship...Argue Naked!

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!

   According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.

   as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

   this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better

   Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.