Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   born at a very young age.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.