Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   born at a very young age.

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.