Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   I can ytpe 300 wrosd pre mnitue.

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   gdfdyddhfjhsglqtpgng MACARENA gfsfjkdhkwgjldhlasgjebhhf MACARENA dhshjfdhjfbfjhgnnnnbbnh MACARENA EEEEEEEEHH MACARENA

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.