Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   TEIAM - problem solved

   You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.