Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   Most great musicians die young, unfortunately we're going to be stuck with Kanye West for a while

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.

   I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge!

   I hide my vodka in orange juice