Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...

   Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

   How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite holiday special about a burglar whose crimes go wholly unpunished.

   When the world ends tomorrow, I hope it is after 5:00 pm, because I won't get paid for the holiday if I don't work Friday.

   I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person!

   When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days

   Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.

   They should change the name of "Disney Channel" to "Celebrity Pre-Rehab".

   Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..

   I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read

   Internet explorer 10, because how else will you download Google chrome and Firefox?

   Definition: Brain - Your body's hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.

   Some people will "LIKE" whatever you post on your wall....and it's probably not because they like or understand it ... but it is because "YOU" posted it.

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   March 24. Springtime. Cold, windy, and snow... But this groundhog stew is DELICIOUS!

   TGIF? TG4DVR! I just watched 90 minutes of Idol in 17 minutes and 30 seconds.