Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does war exist, why do we hate, and who keeps making these Martin Lawrence movies? Big Mommas House 3? Three? WTF

   a really bad case of the fuckits today!

   not all men are fools, some are bachelors

   I'm not Bipolar-I don't even like bears

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   likes being vague, because it's almost as fun as doing this other thing.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....

   convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the Hampster was dead?!!!

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Screw the fiscal cliff! Where's the Twinkie bailout?!

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in