Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin 
I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....
To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.
Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....
They aren't looters....they are undocumented shoppers
The result of a government shut down should be the firing of ALL politicians in Congress and the Senate.
Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.
I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!
We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..
They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.
Bill Cosby's lawyer says Cosby is legally blind, that might explain the sweaters & why he can't see his wedding ring.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment
What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance? 