Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   Satan called, he wants his weather back..

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.