Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 405 of 6385
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
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04-30-2016 12:05
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From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
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05-01-2016 15:37
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You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.
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05-12-2016 01:49
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Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL
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09-12-2013 21:29
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If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
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10-04-2013 15:20 by M
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If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...
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11-27-2013 08:09 by YODA
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Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.
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09-27-2014 14:31 by snotty
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Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
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10-08-2014 09:41
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So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?
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10-29-2014 12:57 by Baddie
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One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows
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11-06-2014 17:00 by SEAN
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.... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.
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08-10-2016 15:18
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My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.
Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli
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01-03-2017 10:28
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Nice try MacDonalds, trying to give away you're secret sauce, I've already have a bottle of thousand island dressing in the refrigerator
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01-26-2017 11:15
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I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.
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02-17-2017 11:40
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The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
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05-27-2018 17:55
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I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.
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05-27-2018 23:50
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The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.
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06-04-2018 14:20 by Jake
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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04-06-2017 10:47
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