Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.