Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry if you can't come up with a good Rapture joke. It's not the end of the world.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL"

   I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"

   Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

   Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?