Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   A friend of mine just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha Ching

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."