Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 303 of 6385
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.
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11-09-2011 01:56
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When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
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12-15-2011 09:23 by SEAN
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Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me
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12-19-2011 14:01 by flinnie
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Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
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02-20-2012 21:25 by BEGO
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I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG
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08-19-2011 07:26
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I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/
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08-23-2011 11:41 by timboss
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Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay
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09-02-2011 13:56
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OK England, we will see your wedding and raise you a funeral.
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05-02-2011 09:51
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If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.
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09-19-2011 20:43 by JBabcock
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I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!
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10-06-2011 23:55
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I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....
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02-08-2011 17:20 by scottyp
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I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".
Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more.
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03-04-2011 13:42
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If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.
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03-10-2011 13:52 by Aaron
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if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me
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03-28-2011 05:37 by flinnie
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
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09-27-2014 15:34 by SEAN
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Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.
I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!
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09-22-2013 23:24
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If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
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11-04-2013 06:38
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If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...
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10-07-2013 09:46 by eengrms
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