Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.

   Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

   The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...