Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...

   Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Can't we just b friends????....a consolation prize for all those wasted years

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .

   Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

   It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.

   I just went to the bathroom without my phone & had to read a magazine to kill time like a freaking caveman.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.

   Females on facebook suffer in silence louder than anyone I've ever met in my life.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I don't always hate Monday, but when I do it's usually the Monday after the Spring Daylight Savings Time change.