Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   I don't really care where you put it, as long as you don't make me hold it!!!

   put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!

   has seized the day and dragging it back to bed with her. :)

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

   there should be an International STFU Day. One day that you can tell anyone who's annoying you to just SHUT THE F**K Up! Without consequence.

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   anyone else as shocked as I am that a relationship between a cage fighter named Tito and the world's most famous porn star ended with domestic assault and accusations of drug abuse?

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   ... Wireless world. Defense technology. Alternative fuel vehicles. Computers. Lasers. Animal cloning. Fiber optics. DNA testing. Biometrics. But the dang scanners at Target never work. What's up with that?

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Don't worry, during the Apocalypse the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds