Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   If you hear a guy order a Pumpkin Spiced Latte go ahead and steal his wallet. Trust me, he's not gonna do anything about it.

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them