Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does a talk show host have an interview with another talk show host; to talk about another talk show host? (Oprah, Leno, Conan)

   Yesterday was Mozart's birthday. The Austrian people are always trumpeting the fact that Mozart is from there. I think it's meant to take your mind off any other very famous Austrians.

   men are the head of the household and women should realize it.Men rule the house! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to the store and get my wife some tampons like she asked me or she's going to get angry.

   What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance, obviously.

   got a compliment from the lady at the bank this morning- she said I had an OUTSTANDING balance!!

   Broom for sale...needs new motor from overuse. Switching to magic carpet...more comfortable.

   going to let you be the judge...and I'm the case

   70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics.

   pink eye... I knew it was a bad idea to wear ur undies on my head

   even though it's so wrong, no one else can do you so right

   you can't expect dumb people to do smart things

   n't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil..

   ipad? now that apple is making femine products, i'm holding out for the ipon...

   If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"

   Parenting Tip of the Day: DON'T HIT KIDS!!! No...Seriously....They have guns now!

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   Stay warm people. It's supposed to be "R. KELLY" cold out there this weekend. And by that I mean "IN THE TEENS."

   Misspellings suck. Sent an e-mail to my mom telling her I was bbq'ing and gonna have fun this weekend with my "cook" out. I misspelled "cook"...And...Well...Now my mom thinks I'm a perv too.

   You'd think after the 37th take, the director would have realized I was messing up the love scene on purpose. Hey, times are hard. I'll take it where I can get it these days.