Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you

   The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   We all have a lil devil and an lil angel on our shoulders... Only problem is my lil devil is a hypnotist...

     Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.

   Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.

   I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.

   God's little inside joke..Give a man a heart & feelings that can be crushed in a matter of seconds.

   I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.

   Go to google, type in 'giraffes are' and check out the auto complete suggestions...

   ‎"Hello? George? This is Barack. I need to talk to you about Libya..."

   You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.

   AT&T should make a commercial with the pink dress girl naked and say, hey tmobile where is your clothes? And the girl can say you bought it right off my back.

   Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.

   AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   If I was homeless I would enter various resturants and yell "FOOD FIGHT!"