Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life.

   I think an aptitude test, ensuring the ability to change out the finished roll of toilet paper to a new role, should be required before you are allowed to breed....

   Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   X Why does seaworld have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'oh my god... I could be eating a slow learner..'. (had to correct the spelling error from the first post)

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”

   I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   Don't Mind Me Just Trying to Find the name on the back of your Girl Jeans

   some people have a way with words other people have not way.

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   slept like an aircraft controller.

   “There's always more fish in the sea.” Well that's fine…if you want a fish with 3 eyes and 5 fins due to all the radiation in the sea now.

   That girl is a LOBSTER! All the meat is in the tail.

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

   they say there is more fish in the sea....im not sure what bait to use and I sure in the hell dont wanna catch any crabs...

   Dear windshield wipers,...You cant touch this.....Sincerely, The triangle